Beyond Words

The God given strength is there, we all have it, but sometimes the circumstances or past digs tend to over shadow. My bed and I have a love/hate relationship. Sorry, just jumping right in today lol. Was gonna get all mushy and gung ho about strength but I’m gonna keep it real for a sec so you can understand where that line is coming from.  Let’s head back to the love/hate relationship with my bed.  Obviously you and I are all on the same page when it comes to the love piece. There’s nothing like crawling into bed at night with all the feels.  You’re warm and cozy.  You’re all snuggled up with the remote or a book and your favorite blanket.  You just can’t go wrong. Unfortunately, the darkness comes and my love turns into hate.  For me, the abuse can creep up inside the darkness and the angst of those nights can over take my body.  The strength that I know and believe in gets tangled with the ugly when my eyes close.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got good nights.  I’ve come such a long way in my journey of healing that I’m so grateful BUT like you, there are times that I can’t fight it.  You find yourself weak when thrown into the circumstances and you forget where your true strength lies. 

There’s one piece in the hatred of my bed that makes me beyond angry.  My hubby can’t even reach over at night to touch me.  And no, not necessarily in the ‘let’s get our groove on’ sense (not that he wouldn’t mind haha) but more in just a ‘love you’ place.  Guys, it brings tears to my eyes right now that my abuser ruined that piece of my relationship with my husband.  Physical touch is so difficult for me and I have hatred.  I so desperately want to sit in hate instead of searching for the strength to overcome the fear to touch, to be loved.  This piece of my past is constantly in my face.  I’m sure you also have a circumstance you are going through right now or a past scenario that hits you so hard, you’re not sure which way is up. So here we are friends.  It’s funny because the talk of the town in the Christian world is the peace and strength in Christ we have that is beyond what we can even fathom. I can attest to this. I can’t explain how I can forgive.  I can’t explain how I can still jump into bed each night.  I can tell you, if it wasn’t for the strength that I lean on through Jesus Christ, there would be no way I could get out of bed each morning. 

Can I just say this?  I so don’t bring any of my crap up to be like, oh Heather is such an amazing Christian, or for anyone to feel bad for me.  I feel like I’m called to talk through some of my heavy and nasty to let you all know, I’m right there with you.  My prayer is that we can learn from each other.  Everyone has a piece of their heart that was destroyed or is being destroyed and honestly, no one wants to camp out in the dark place.  So here we all are, leaning on our true Father, together.  Faith is real.  It’s real in a sense where there are dark days and there are days we are floating on peace.  Here’s the scoop, we just keep believing.  We stand on the truth.  We believe that the foundation of Christ’s love in our lives will completely destroy the darkness that creeps in.  He is good.  He is faithful.  He is for YOU! 

“A faithful God does not expect you to do what you cannot; He supplies the needed strength.”