I thought for sure this was it. I was never gonna get out. It was like this cloud, this wall, this thick piece of yuck over took every aspect of my being. Every dark word you could think of was sinking deeper into my soul. Depression, anxiety, manic episodes, anger, fear, and the list just kept going. I’ve spoken of this place before in past devos but one piece wasn’t spoken yet. I questioned God. I wondered if he even really existed. Did he really give a crap? But it even went farther, I didn’t want to even try. I didn’t even want to convince myself that He was worth finding. As many of you know, I grew up in a Christian home. Dude, you questioned your faith, you weren’t a Christian. I got so tired of everyone telling me to dig deeper into your faith and pray. I’m not belittling the amazing power of prayer but come freaking on. We’ve all been in a place where the last thing you want to hear is let go and let God.
You guys know the outcome. I tried taking my life but God had different plans which I will forever know, He wanted to find me. You see, in these places of questioning, pain, fear, hurt, denial, He waits. You can never go far enough away. When I look back on that time, I realize that I was stepping into my own faith. In this time, I needed to decide my path that fit me. My path included Christ but I thought it looked like my family’s faith or my friend’s faith. You see, we can’t allow society, friends, parents, loved ones, even enemies decide or choose our own path. Psalm 16:11 (Message) “Now you’ve got my feet on the life path, all radiant from the shining of your face. Ever since you took my hand, I’m on the right way.” Your way and my way look different but His hand never changes. My story isn’t your story but His shining face on us is the same. I realized that the reason I didn’t want to try and find Him again was because I was looking for someone else’s Jesus. Obviously there’s just one Jesus but I was looking for a faith that depicted someone else’s thoughts on who He was in THEIR life and not mine. He has showed up in crazy ways in my life and crazy ways in yours that look totally different. That’s OK and actually super good. Only He knows how you need to be loved, to be heard, to be seen, to be accepted.
I don’t know where each of you are at. Some of you may be in a great place with life, with your path, with Jesus and some of you may be in a dark spot, questioning His existence or if He cares. Hear this, He doesn’t go anywhere and He’s not scared of what you think or feel of Him because what He feels toward you never changes. Unconditional love will always be waiting for you, just be honest with where you are at and let Him meet you there.
“Life is the most difficult exam. Many people fail because they try to copy others, not realizing that everyone has a different question paper”