Not What I Was Thinking

John 14:27

“Peace I leave with you.  My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid. 

Do you ever wake up and think, this is not what I envisioned my life to be.  Whether it’s having kids in your bed at night, sickness that has plagued you or a loved one, a relationship that has totally gone into left field, depression hit you hard, someone hurt your heart and the list goes on. 

It took a few years before really getting the images from my childhood.  I knew what happened but the depth of what happened and digging into it took years.  As each year went on, it sat so heavy on my soul day after day. I remember sitting in my room in High School, lights turned off, classical music cranked. There was something about listening to classical music that calmed my soul. No words,  just the angst of the music allowed my heart to open up and feel something. It was in these years that I could start to feel the numbness come on. You totally know what I’m talking about. Shut it down. The more I realized the level of realness opening in my mind of the abuse, the more I shut it down. As I went into college, I was extremely good at playing a role. I would be who everyone needed me to be or wanted.  It helped not to have to deal with what was inside. It wasn’t until after college that things got bad. This is when the darkest of dark took over. This is when I was alone in my thoughts and feelings, realizing I’ve never dealt with them head on. This is when I said to myself, this is not what I thought life would look like. 

It’s hard, isn’t it?  You don’t want to feel guilty for this beautiful life that God gave us but let’s be real, sometimes your like, can I trade it in and try something else?  Unfortunately, as many times as we ask Him, He’s gonna be like, yea no. I’m seeing more and more that nothing, like pretty much nothing, turns out the way we planned because guess what, it’s not our plan.  It’s God’s. We aren’t gonna fully get it and that is beyond frustrating right? So then what, we sit in this funk of a life till the pearly gates? No! We believe that he has good things for us. We believe that coming through the storms of life actually bring us a better ending. We believe in the good and the fruit of even just a handful of things that surround us.  Maybe some days we look up and scream….What the heck God? But in those days, those moments, are when we release the bad and realize, we aren’t alone. The beauty of life cannot rest in the circumstances of everything or everyone around us, it has to rest inside of YOU. 

“The secret of being happy is accepting where you are in life and making the most of every day.”

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