Dig In

Psalm 147:3 (CEB)

“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”

There was a time when I could not look at my daughter. I could hardly even touch her.  It was horrible. Shoot, horrible doesn’t even slightly describe the depth of pain. She was about 5 or 6, the exact age I was sexually abused.  I had no idea what was hitting me. I knew when I looked at her I had so much pain rise up inside of me and obviously not seconds later the most overwhelming amount of guilt because I was her stinking mom, what the heck. Gosh, just writing this, I’m in tears right now.  It was hell. You see, through much therapy and processing, I started to understand that I was seeing myself in her as a little girl but the problem was, I hadn’t gotten to a place where I loved and accepted me as a little girl. I needed to go deep inside and allow myself to love that little girl. I needed to tell her that it was ok that she was so scared.  I needed to tell her that I’m sorry no one saved her and no one was there for her. I needed to tell her that she is so so loved. I needed to do these things because she is still a part of me. Every piece of our lives is a part of our story that we need to make sure has its place. Whether it was hell on earth or the happiest day ever, it makes who we are and it identifies our being.  It creates our future and writes our story. If we don’t fully connect to every chapter we’ve walked through then each character that comes into our life doesn’t get all of us. How can God use us then? How can we really move on or move forward?

Needless to say this took a lot of work, like everything does right? (eye roll) BUT now my relationship with my daughter ,who is 14, is amazeballs. I mean, our personalities are like the sun and the moon but we make work.  Because I learned to have compassion and love towards myself as a little girl but also toward myself as an adult, I was able to soften so much of my heart towards her and also towards all of my kids. There are things back there my friend, isn’t there?  Back in that past of yours, there are things that you may need to allow to come up. Lay it out, cry over it, scream over it, pray over it, pour Jesus over it, and then learn to love and accept it so that it can become a piece of you in a healthy way. And now move on to the next chapter. You’ve got this! 

‘Be brave enough to heal yourself even when it hurts”

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