20 years. I celebrated my 20 year anniversary of the hardest day I’ve ever experienced. I was gonna end it that day and God had bigger plans. The pills were sprawled across my bed and I downed every single one. I was saved. I was rescued. I was heard. In our house, we call September 2nd my Life Day. Side note, also my husbands birthday! God’s so funny! This past year I told my kids about everything. My abuse, my cutting, my Bipolar 2, and my suicide attempt. I felt that if the world was hearing my story, my kids needed to know first but they needed to know it through the eyes of healing and not the eyes of darkness. The first words out of my daughters mouth that day was this, “Mom, if it weren’t for your Life Day, we wouldn’t even be here.” Truth. I was given a second chance but even more than that, I found life. I found truth. I found what it means to live.
Mental Illness is real. It’s painful. It can range from anxiety, to depression, to bipolar, to sadness, to anger. Mental Illness, for me, had a face. On the outside, I put a game face on. I looked put together and happy. I played the, ‘I’m so funny!’ card and I played a full hand every time. People were dumbfounded when they knew the truth. Dumbfounded when they heard what I’ve been through. Friends, no one’s gonna walk around in this depressive state cause who would accept you. No one’s gonna hang with the super depressed guy. This, my friends, is why you don’t judge. This, my friends, is why those that are close to you, you dig. This, my friends, is why you share the real Jesus. This, my friends, is why I choose to share my story. I’ve found my Jesus and you can too. I want you all to go and read Psalm 46. Whether you are super close to Jesus or just trying to figure out who He is. Go! Read this Psalm. It speaks of His power in our trouble. The power in the trembles of our hearts. You can’t not be moved when reading it. I mean, I do have it tattooed on me so I’m pretty sure it’s powerful!
Everything I speak to you is from truth, from a real place, from a depth in my soul that needs to be shared. I’m grateful for this platform. I’m grateful for each of you. I yearn for each of you to understand and feel the love of Jesus like I have in my life. Nope, life isn’t perfect and I still go through a crap load of crazy but I don’t go at it alone anymore. There’s just something about the goodness of Jesus in my life that allows me to come through the other side. I didn’t know this love until I was at my lowest point. Maybe that’s where you are at or maybe you are just at this questioning phase like, is there more out there. YES!! THERE IS!!! I’m being real here cause you guys know I’m not about the bull. Lean in. Reach out to Him, to others, to love, to those close to you. He shows up in crazy ways. I mean seriously, I shouldn’t be here. He literally sent someone to grab me and take me to the hospital so I could live. I was done, but He wasn’t. He’s not done with you either.
“Don’t lose hope. When the sun goes down, the stars come out.”