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You Can’t Hold On

The day I tried to commit suicide was a rough day.  Well, obviously ha. It wasn’t super fun.  In the beginning, it was difficult to relive that day. Now I can see how far I’ve come and the things that I’ve learned from it.   God can be funny like that.  Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to see the light and rock bottom it was.   I totally don’t bring it up to be a downer at all.  There’s just a reality piece that goes along with this.  Obviously things were not unicorns and rainbows.  Keeping the secret of my abuse was eating me alive and causing my cutting to intensify.  You see, I didn’t release anything.  I held things in.  Emotions ate me alive.  It was exhausting. Sound a little familiar?  I mean, maybe you didn’t hit the place I was in but maybe, just maybe there’s this secret place inside where you just stuff everything in.  It’s not good or worth it.  The more you shut the door on your feelings and emotions, the more they fester and the next thing you know, you are in a position you never thought you’d be in.  It could be anxiety, depression, not showering (oh wait, maybe that’s just me :), not getting out of bed, whatever it may be starts to rear its ugly head.  You’ve gotta kill that nasty thing asap.  

I’ve learned a crap load since that day.  I won’t bore you with it all right now.  I’m sure I will at some point but for now I just wanted to hit this one point.  You can’t live in the freedom of the life God intended for you if you don’t release the ugly. It’s difficult to have room to love, to fight, to be creative, to follow your dreams, to live life to the fullest if holding on is what you do.  I know it’s hard and I know it sucks but if it’s not done, you’ll be eaten alive. It will take over and joy will be lost. I still suck at this sometimes.  Whether it be giving the silent treatment to my husband or holding in a hurt that happened years ago.  You see, whether it’s through prayer, a therapist, journaling, talking with a friend, you’ve gotta allow what’s happening inside of you to have a face.  It almost needs to have a purpose.  By allowing it to have a face or a name gives you permission to kick it’s butt. No one person’s pain is like the next and don’t for a second think that you are the only one.  I don’t care how pretty things look on facebook or instagram because everyone, flipping everyone, has pain or hurt.  It’s in that place where you make the decision.  Do you let it eat you alive or do you kick it to the curb.  I can’t get enough of this verse, hence why it’s tattooed on me.  Psalm 46:5, “God is within her, she will not fall!”  A to the men!!! Deep in the insides of your soul, where that pain and agony with whatever it may be is sitting, God is sitting right there with it.  It starts with just acknowledging that it exists and then after that, you release.  The trick is, once you release, you need to let it go.  I’m learning that every day.  There are some days that are harder than others but it’s all about moving forward. 

I totally encourage you to just take a look at where you are today.  We’ve got a great big God that wants to take your pain away.  It’s really up to us.  He is just hanging out waiting for us to reach out.  No matter where you are at you need to remember you are loved more than life itself by your Creator and those around you.  Reach out, release, and try to let it go.  Not in the cliche way that everyone is just like, ‘why can’t you let it go already’ but in a sense of needing peace.  The letting go part is completely for you. 

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.”