Still Learning

I’m learning a lot about forgiveness. I had forgiven my abuser within myself a few years ago when I knew it was hurting me.  When I had confronted this head on, confronting in person, unloading the truth, I realized I had a whole different level of forgiveness that I needed to work through. Although there was verbal asking for forgiveness, there was also denial of it. I was left lost, confused, in pain, the wound spread wide open with no closure. Now I have a choice.  Do I allow it to kill me inside, holding onto what I felt I needed to control in order to survive like anger , pain, or whatever lingered enough to hold on to, or do I give myself permission to let go. In that letting go, I allow myself to know what happened doesn’t disappear because I forgave, genuinely forgave, but instead put what was done in a healthy place.  You see, forgiveness is for you and me, not necessarily for the other person.  You take control back by forgiving.  You allow the boundary to be run by you, not run by emotions or the other person that hurt you.  

This verse has helped me in my journey with forgiveness.  Numbers 14:18, “The Lord is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgressions, but he will by no means clear the guilty.”  Now, this does not mean He’s gonna go and beat the crap out of whoever hurt us, that’s not how He rolls.  What it does mean is that God will handle those who have wronged us.  It’s not our job.  It’s not our concern.  What I love even more about this verse is that it starts out with the goodness of God. He first and foremost loves and forgives which in turn means we do too.  I truly believe God has taught me that although you have given forgiveness, that doesn’t mean they need or get to have access to your heart and soul. They don’t need to be invited into any space inside of you if it causes pain, hurt, or any other emotion that doesn’t serve you. Again, we need to remember that forgiveness is a beautiful gift from God that He has poured all over us which in turn calls us to forgive others but this doesn’t mean they get to control anymore pieces of you.  Forgiveness allows healing. Everyone’s healing is different and that’s where the power of Jesus comes in.  Through reaching out to Him during the process, He makes it crystal clear how He wants it to roll. Forgiveness is possible.  Time heals deep, deep wounds throughout the process.  Allow yourself time because the depth of your healing and the beauty that comes out of your story will far out way the pain that brought you to that forgiveness. 

“Forgiveness is no longer an option, but a necessity in healing.”