Reverse, Reverse

When I stared to own my body back, I was almost lost. When I finally wasn’t drawn to all beautiful sharp objects to release pain, I almost didn’t know where to turn. On one end, things were flipped upside down in an awesome way of healing. On the other end, things were flipped upside down because it’s all I knew.

What we’ve known as life recently has turned and flipped like 15 times. If i’m being honest, I’ve had serious writers block. I’m not even sure what to feel. I do know that the freshman 15 happen even when you are 42. Also, every day is the weekend so……….I know what you’re thinking and no, it’s totally apple juice in my cup starting at noon hahahaha. All kidding aside, it’s unknown and now it’s just all annoying. I mean I get it, don’t get me wrong. We’ve got a monster that we are trying to protect ourselves from and there’s some amazing, rockstar people that are pulling us through but I’m more talking about us ordinary, hanging loose folks over here. Honestly, it’s hard to imagine that this is our life for a long time. You? I’m just being straight. And for me, when crisis hits, I tend to go numb. Hide. Yet what am I hiding from. It’s not like I can really see anyone right now! Ha! Maybe it’s from myself. It’s from the emotions that cause my mind to go in not so fun places. Worry, fear, sadness……..the unknown. I don’t like it because it’s out of my control. Or is it? I learned after cutting had been my life, that I could replace it with positive things to release. This got me thinking, I know crazy but really, the thought of filling the negative with positive is quite mind blowing. Nothing we haven’t heard before but do we follow it? I sure as heck haven’t. I’ve gotten lost in the ‘this blows’ feeling instead of the ‘you’ve got this’ option. We can’t change the circumstances around us but we can change how we react to them. Jesus has been my foundation my whole life but yet I’m not totally acting like it. If I truly believe He’s in control, then I need to let go. I mean for crying out loud, the Main Man has gotten me through sexual abuse, cutting, suicide attempt, and the list just goes on and on. I’m pretty sure He’s gonna walk us all though this. It’s a matter of truly believing it. He’s alive and living in us and we forget constantly to grab on. At least I do. Replacing negative with positive is our challenge today. Even if it’s just one time.

Friends, we are in this together. I know we’ve heard that a million times recently but really, You and I, thick or thin, lost or found, sinking or on cloud nine, we’re in this baby!


Blah for the Win

Anyone else just feeling completely blah.  Almost like I’m not sure what to feel. I find it difficult to find words lately. As I’m sitting here typing, I’m thinking back to other times when I felt this loveliness (enter eye roll). Unsure. Confused. Lost. I was in junior high.  We had gone on a mission trip with my youth group. When I came home, I had a million bites on my legs. They spread like crazy and we had no idea what they were. A few days later, they started to disappear but then I noticed that different parts of my body would swell up like a balloon at weird times. It was crazy. If I would hold something cold, my hand would swell or if I was outside in the cold, whatever wasn’t covered would swell.  This. Was. Bizarre. We started going to doctors showing them with an ice cube what would happen. I placed the ice cube on my arm and just that little section would swell. No one could figure out what the heck was happening. They all assumed that whatever bug bites I came back with had a reaction inside my body. One weekend I was on a boat tubing with my friend. I got in the boat all wet and the cold air from riding in the boat caused my whole body to swell including my throat.  It was scary. Thankfully it started coming down but I had to stay in bed all day because my feet were so swollen I couldn’t walk. In the end, they finally diagnosed me with Cold Induced Urticaria. I was allergic to the cold. Now isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve ever heard. Leave it to me to get something completely foreign. Ha!  

It was such a scary time.  I couldn’t be in air conditioning.  Every piece of me had to be covered in the winter.  It got me out of riding the bus though since I couldn’t wait in the cold.  That was nice. For such a long time I was so confused, unsure, afraid. We had no idea what was happening and no clue what the answer was.  Sound familiar? Kind of like right now. The answers are unclear. The direction of our lives are completely thrown up in the air. A great cause for an emotion called blah, right?  And you know what? It’s ok to feel that. I think we are all in the same boat. Ya know what my thought was back then? I totally was doing something for Jesus and I got a crazy disease.  That was confusing and frustrating but unfortunately there’s a dark side in this world. One that wants to defeat and destroy us. While living in the blah is ok for a time, the hope of Christ has to begin to out way all the ugly. Thankfully my allergy went into remission which I guess happens.  You never know when it can come back but I haven’t seen any signs up until this point which means God is protecting me. He’s doing that today too, for all of us. Although this crazy time is just that, crazy, the protection and hope of Christ is our firm foundation. It’s what we need to keep coming back to when thoughts of confusion and fear come into play. All time fav verse, Isaiah 40:31, “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Hang in their sweet friends.  We are in this together. 

“At the end off the day, all you need is hope and strength.  Hope that it will get better and strength to hold on until it does.”


Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Seriously, what day is it? Ha! The sun came out, praise Jesus. So maybe I lost it the other day. Tears came. It’s all just so overwhelming. More because of the uncertainty of what’s in front of me. Am I doing enough for my kids? Do they feel safe? And the questions keep going. Kenna and I were doing one of my fav songs together. I love when she plays the ukulele. We messed up a bit in the beginning (you’ll see our smiles) and I wasn’t gonna post it because if my perfectionist issues. Ya know what though, mistakes are gonna happen. There’s no right or wrong in this place that we are all in. Also, McKenna said, use it, look at our smiles and fun together. She’s right. We, I needed to go back to the truth and what’s really important. So today, just today, look at the smiles around you, feel love, and continued say, Gods got this.


Ya Gotta Have Faith

Faith wouldn’t be real faith if we only believed when things are good. It’s the times where you hung out in the darkness but faith and hope picked you up off the ground, knowing believing was the only thing you had left. I went through many phases in life where I thought believing just couldn’t exist anymore. I’m sure you have too. As you know, I grew up in a household where Jesus was taught but my belief in him became questioned in my mind over and over when the sexual abuse became clearer and clearer. The negativity in regards to who I was or the dirty person I thought I was became louder and louder. That untruth began to defeat the real truth that I was grounded in. Questions began to scream at me, how can I believe when something so horrific was done to me? Why? Why should my faith be stronger?  Do I really have faith? I made a choice. In the end, I made a choice. I could either let it kill me inside and become dead OR I could choose life. I could choose to fight. I could choose to believe. 

As we swirl around in this crazy time we are in right now, where is your mindset at? It’s easy to start heading down a dark alley internally when we are just hanging at home with no place to go.  That’s definitely dangerous for me. It’s now more than ever that we need to look for the good and beautiful truth about ourselves, about life. We are killer men and women! No judgement that we haven’t showered for days or our kids have been wearing the same clothes since last week. (Ha, maybe that’s just me.) In every area in life, we are doing the best we know how. Whether that means through this crazy pandemic or different chapters in our lives. We fight the good fight with a strong, loving Jesus by our side. There will be days that you don’t want to fight anymore. Days where the negativity is laying on thick in your mind.  It’s those days that you take out this verse. Matthew 19:26, “It’s impossible for human beings. But all things are possible for God.”  If our feet are planted on solid ground that speaks life into us, we can overcome the circling noise.  We’ve gotta train our minds to be stronger than the negative emotions that want to creep in. 

Here is your truth.  Christ is your foundation.  Not this world, not other people, not things but Christ.  He’s got you, me, and this world. I can’t end this without giving you the real truth, you are a rockstar friend. 

“Fight the good fight of faith.  Not just for the prize at the end of the race, but treasures along the way.”


Where’s Your Safety?

My daughter is 14.  I’m pretty sure I’m at that phase of life where I’m learning more from her than she is from me.  I woke up this morning and this is what she posted on her Instagram last night. “With what is happening in the world, I’m learning to put my stress and anxiety in the Lord’s hands.  He’s where I feel safe and I know I can trust Him. Life gets hard, there’s bumps in the road, but He has guided me around those bumps, like when the door is locked, there is a window, or a back door.  Just reminding you that He is always there for you, anytime of day.” Drop the Mic. Girl has a point people! 

It’s crazy to walk through this experience together and watch the emotions that each person feels. I mean, it’s not like we’ve ever gone through anything like this before so the territory we are walking on is not common. There’s no right or wrong way to feel it or experience it. For myself, I go from what can I clean next to nah, I’ll just sit and binge watch Greys Anatomy. Ha.  I’m starting to debate on asking my kids to just stay in the same clothes for like 2 or 3 days so that laundry doesn’t have to enter my vocabulary each hour of the day. I mean, it’s not like they are getting dirty or anything. Also, pretty sure I’m becoming a ‘yes’ mom. Kid, ‘Mom, can I have a Hershey bar?’ Me, ‘Did you eat a carrot? It totally evens out then. Go for it.” 

Ok, but let’s get back to the deep thoughts by Heather haha. Bottom line, you can never be isolated from Jesus. I know, I know, super cheesy but it’s true right?  I mean, my daughter is preaching it to you right there. Our safety is Him. We are gonna get past this craziness in a few months and begin life as usual and what’s gonna happen?  More storms will come our way. More doors will close where we wanted them to open. Social media won’t be so nice anymore ha and we will feel isolated in other ways. He’s never letting go though.  Many times it’s us that’s loosening our grip onto Him because we are scared, unsure. Now is the time to strengthen that tie. Now is the time in our unusual circumstance to jump into Him. I mean, it’s not like we don’t have extra time on our hands, right? 

Where are you at with Jesus?  Maybe you haven’t cracked open your Bible in years.  Maybe praying to Him feels weird. Maybe you are questioning if he even exists. Maybe just maybe in those places you are, you feel this tug, like there’s more because there is.  Maybe you’ve got a killer relationship happening but this situation in the world has caused fear, loss of belief, and just questioning. It’s so ok. The best part about our Father is he loves it when we come as we are.  You know why? Cause He’s our knight and shining armor that swoops in and saves the day. It gives Him a chance to show off and do His thang. Keep your heart open. He will meet you there. Just spend some time with Him. 

“Courage does not always roar.  Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”


We Shall Overcome

So here we go friends.  Not only will I be at least 15 pounds heavier by the end of hibernation but I’ll also realize I was not meant to be a teacher. Ha.  God bless all of you that deal with our children on a regular basis for the sake of education. In all honesty though, this is hard, scary, unsure, uncommon ground, unknown.  I’m not a big fan of any of those words. I was telling my hubby the other day, this really isn’t good for anyone that struggles with mental issues. This is all completely out of our control and no one knows the outcome or what’s next.  Yea, extra drugs may also be needed throughout our close time together. I’ve decided that it’s one thing to choose to walk into the unknown territory but when thrown into it without being asked, it leaves room for fear to creep in ahead of peace. 

I don’t know what these days of crazy brings for you. It could stir up fear but also anger, sadness, frustration. Not that this isn’t totally huge, but the way we react to this situation in our world should be no different then the way we react or want to react when it comes to those hard storms we encounter every day. This seems bigger though, I get it, but at the time, so did losing your loved one, or the loss of your job, or walking through depression, or abuse, and the list goes on.  Here’s the thing, the core of our being exists solely on the peace and hope of Jesus if He’s what we are focusing on and looking toward. I don’t have the answers. I’m frustrated that more than likely I’ll be cancelling my Spring Break trip, I’m angry that this is happening cause it’s cramping my style, but I’m also sad that there are so many that don’t know where to go with those feelings. We’ve got a Jesus that we can cling to, knowing He’s got a plan even if we can’t quite understand it right now. This is a beautiful time to speak truth into so many and especially our rock’n children. This is truth and power right here.  Isaiah 48:13, “My hand founded the earth; my strong hand spread out the heavens.  When I call to them, they all stand up.” Dude, think about that.  His power exists over all things.  This is HIS world not ours. If we keep some of that in check with our minds, the anxiety level of what’s happening goes down a couple notches. 

We’ve got this, friends.  Bags of chips and all! 🙂

“The best part of life is not just surviving but thriving with passion and compassion and humor and style and generosity and kindness.”